Adoption is Hard (on the heart)

Yes, I said it - adoption is hard. Would I change it NO!! You see all the happy gotcha days, happy family pics, and all the kiddos doing wonderful. Don't get me wrong, adoption is one of the most wonderful things we have done as a family, but some days your heart just breaks. If you are reading this, please don't let this deter you. I just want to be real. It's hard to talk about this in person, so I am taking to writing just to get my thoughts out there.

When you adopt a special needs depending on the severity - there are doctor and/or hospital visits, therapies, and the seemingly endless tests. When adopting internationally there is the whole language barrier. As I wrote in the previous post, today 2 yrs ago was likely one of the worst days we ever had. But God in his mercy, save our daughter's life.

Many of you who have adopted know about the grief. I'm not sure about younger children, but our daughter was adopted at the age of 6 and boy did she grieve and still does to some extent.  Today was one of those days.  We have days where she talks about Chi*na and misses and wants to go back. There are also other days where she is afraid we are going to die and leave her too.  We were working on school and was very excited about her dad starting to work on building her a loft bed.  She has been begging for one and she could use the extra area in her room.

Every once in a while, she will talk about being afraid to die, or worried one of us would, but we reassure her and remind her God loves her and she will be ok. She would also worry what would happen to her if we did die. We also pray with her.  Today though just about broke my heart.  She was crying at her desk, and we decided to go upstairs to leave her sister alone to do school.  I just sat on the couch holding her while she cried and sobbed.  Then she said - "I don't want to lose you, I've already lost one family".  My heart just sank. I squeezed her a little harder and just prayed for her.  Hubby was there and we just looked at each other.  After that, there was no more school for the day - it was movies and Legos and cuddling on the couch. I worry about her health and all the things she has to endure with such strength.  I cannot replace her first mom, but I can love her do my best to let her know that I never plan to leave her.

Our other daughters will never go thru what Rae has, and they may never understand. So I just pray for the day she will be comforted with that fact that we as her family will never want to leave her, and that her Heavenly Father will never leave her.

Just Thinking...

It has been almost two years ago when we experienced one of the scariest days as a parents - seeing your daughter in a full blown seizure and there is nothing you can do. Our older girls have both had surgeries and were worried about those, but nothing prepared us for that morning. We were very worried, and all I could do was pray. We knew God was bigger than all of what were going thru. There was no one to be mad at. We could be mad at the Ch*nese orphanage or directors , but what good would that have been. They said they didn't know either. There were many ifs, but we had to accept that this was what God had planned for us. He was going to get us thru this. 

I hate to think if we had known everything, and we had said no to her referral. God is sovereign and he has big plans for our daughter. His plan may even be to trust Him even more, well then - let it be. I would not trade this journey with our little girl for anything. She has brought such joy in our lives, and we love seeing her learn new things especially her love for things of God.

This morning as we were driving into Children's Hospital this song was playing on the radio.  I'm reminded He is there and will always be.

Not For a Moment by Meredith Andrews

You were reaching through the storm 
Walking on the water 
Even when I could not see 
In the middle of it all 
When I thought You were a thousand miles away 
Not for a moment did You forsake me 
Not for a moment did You forsake me 

CHORUS 
After all You are constant 
After all You are only good 
After all You are sovereign 
Not for a moment will You forsake me 
Not for a moment will You forsake me 

You were singing in the dark 
Whispering Your promise 
Even when I could not hear 
I was held in Your arms 
Carried for a thousand miles to show 
Not for a moment did You forsake me 


And every step every breath you are there 
Every tear every cry every prayer 
In my heart at my worst 
When my world falls down 
Not for a moment will You forsake me 
Even in the dark 
Even when it's hard 
You will never leave me 
After all 

CHORUS 
Not for a moment will You forsake me